Are you one of those women that never tells anyone no? Are you a people pleaser? If you answered yes to one of those questions, please read on. Sexual abuse breeds people pleasers who cannot say no even to sex! I know, I was one of those women. If I would have told one of my parents no, they would have broken me in half. I didn’t even think about telling anyone no because it would make a bad situation even worse.
I had no self-esteem to begin with, and when I discovered I couldn’t say no–I was horrified. All of my dates during my teenage years turned into having sex with the guy. At the point I should have said, “No;” I didn’t–I couldn’t. I have had sex with many that I didn’t want to have sex with. And, so it went with the men in my life. I figured it wouldn’t last long and it would be over and they’d leave me alone. We’re not supposed to have sex when we don’t want to. It can be very detrimental to our health.
Another reason survivors don’t say no is from fear of the relationship ending. This isn’t true unless you are with an abuser; and if so, turn him loose.
Not once did I suspect my inability to say no, was a result of being sexually abused for years. I figured I was a “slut” just as my parents referred to me. There is a syndrome called, “Can’t Say No.” I was so happy to discover this syndrome. I didn’t have to think of myself as a slut anymore.
Learning to say no will set boundaries, and actually, empower you. You will never have to have sex with someone undesirable again.
I was always the one trying to keep peace in the family; I was the one people called with their problems because I was nice and very empathic. To the point, I didn’t take care of me. When I reached adulthood, I was always available to whoever had a problem. I would never deny someone a listening ear. It made me feel good about myself that I was so understanding and people came to me with their problems. I received validation from these needy people. Being a people pleaser made me feel good about myself for the first time in my life. I had some merit.
It is quite a phenomenon how someone who has been sexually violated; will, later on, turn to the promiscuous side. I did that too. I decided to treat men the way I had been treated. I wanted control of them and the situation. If one showed any sign of emotional attachment–I’d turn him loose. I went through this for almost two years. One day, Vic, my therapist said to me, “You’re never going to beat him–it doesn’t matter if you have sex with 1500 men; you will not beat your father.” At that, I stopped.
If you are a woman that can’t say “no,” please seek out counseling and put a stop to the abuse.